02/13/05 Violent and fearful run through my head this morning. I felt violently alone yesterday during bLoom. I set up and sat apart from the previous weekend on a cloth over my installation in my original frustration pose. I set, doors locked, gallery empty, heater barely working. C------ came in 15 minutes later and went about her business, then came to address me…thank you.
I feel the strength of others when they are around, I can do more, stand cold more. Otherwise I wanted to curl up and cry. She did a few drawings of me. I slivered and drew from her strength. Others came in, I wanted to draw from them yet I felt bound to C------; weird. Once C------ broke and addressed them, they became together and then I drew strength from the group. Odd, they left.
C----, A---, L--- and L-- followed and they all enjoyed a bit. Painting and Photographing, I shivered and shrunk. It had been over 2 hours now and I wanted out, alone, clean up, and cry. I was bound by their strength. Continuance, find heat, strength, breathe, they are here for you, me.
Around 2:30 or so I broke. I was out a slow fall forward, only L---- remains and she called for help. L-- photographed and others watched. I fell forward and rolled my back up, twisting right to a stance and fall forward, twisting left to a tall stance and end.
I am out. Fear, alone, violently alone in my head. That is where I am, that is where bLoom has taken me. W E is next weekend and healing begins.
Today, I pay tribute in fabric to the art of the gallery and tribute to the consequences of my actions. 2 fabrics, movement, stripped of one fabric dragged throughout the art and begin to heal.
I gotta run.